Rants. Inspirations. Xiance?

I hate our situation, where most of our communication is via text. How can I sincerely show that I’m not the guy you used to know? … That I am ready to do this again without any hesitation even after hearing some negative news. My “XD”, “:))” and “:P” are not enough to convey the emotions that I want you to feel. I hate that we’re far apart, and that somebody else is closer to you. I hate reading your messages with your “haha” and “hehe”, because I want it to be heard directly from you.

I hate being left out because of my background. Since high school, I hate how my friends talk about stuff then hushes when I arrive saying that “wag dyan, mabait yan” or “bata pa yan.” I hate how people ask me if I ever had a girlfriend and saying that “bata pa pala e” whenever I say that I haven’t had one. For goodness’ sake, maturity doesn’t come with the number of relationships that a person had. I know some who had their share of commitments but are still childish.

I hate knowing a person too well that I can tell if he or she is hiding something from me. I respect their privacy and their decision of not telling me things and I don’t hold it against them, since I’m also the same most of the time. I want to tell myself that it’s okay, but still, there’s a pang of sadness whenever you think about it.

I hate how it’s difficult to set a get-together with your closest friends out of the whole barkada. Being in a barkada of almost two dozen people, I have already acknowledged the fact that there are smaller groups, or what I would call as “closer circles.” And everytime I try to have a dinner or an appointment with my “closer circle,” another member will be included, or most of the time, the plan would not pursue. Don’t get me wrong with the first one, I want to be with the whole bunch, but there were times, that you want talk about things with the “closer circle” before sharing it with the whole group, and I hate that I rarely had those chances.

Noong isang araw ay may sumabog na bus sa Manila. May mga namatay at marami rin ang mga nasugatan. Kaya naman naghigpit ang sekyuridad sa mga matataong lugar tulad ng MRT. Nakapila ako sa may baba ng ikalawang grupo ng hagdan sa North Edsa station. May tatlong pila para makapasok, isa para sa mga umaakyat gamit ang escalator, at ang dalawa ay ang mga gumamit ng hagdan at ang mga gawi ng Trinoma. Habang naghihintay sa pila ay napansin kong may isang mamang nasa apatnapu o limampu ang edad na umakyat at sumingit na lamang sa pila. Imposibleng hindi niya napansin ang pila dahil mahaba at maayos naman ang mga nakapila. Ngunit tumuloy lang siya, at nung gumalaw ang pila, ay siningit ang sarili sa pinakamalapit na masisingitang pagitan. Hindi umimik ang taong siningitin niya pero halatang naasar ito. Tumingin-tingin din ako sa ibang nakapila, at karamihan sa kanila ay nakatingin nang masama sa mama, ngunit wala namang nagsalita. Ang mama naman ay tumingin-tingin lang din sa mga nakapila. Pwedeng mabasa ang reaksyon ng mama sa dalawang magkaibang paraan. Una ay ang pagkamangha na parang ngayon lang niya napansin ang pila. At ang ikalawa ay ang tila nang-aasar na mukha, yung tipong naghahamon kung may magagawa ba ang ibang nakapila. Ngunit wala pa ring ginawa ang mga tao, kabilang ako. Nakatingin lang kami sa mama, na tila naghihintay na may ibang pwersang sumipa sa kanya paalis sa pilang iyon. Naasar ako, sino namang hindi? Pero hindi lang sa mama, kundi pati na rin sa mga tao, at sa sarili ko na rin. Simple lamang ang pangyayaring ito, pero masasabing laganap.
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Natype ko na yung first paragraph ng blog na ‘to and I realized na mas okay kung go with the flow lang talaga ang pagtype. Yung tipong hindi mo na ichecheck kung tama yung grammar mo, or kung may mas magandang synonym dahil nagamit mo na yung word na yun before. Though sinabi ko sa about me section na English ang gagamitin ko, ieexcempt ko itong post na ito.

Masyadong nakaka-stress yung mga nakaraang linggo. Hindi lang stress dahil pagod ako at andaming dapat gawin at aralin sa school, kundi stress sa mga bagay na pwede ko namang iwanan, pero dahil sadyang papapel ako at, aaminin ko na, ako yung tipong ang gusto lagi ay maganda ang image, hindi ko maiwanan at pinapakeelaman ko pa. Dahil diyan, napagdesisyunan kong tingan yung sarili ko mula sa ika nga “bird’s eye view,” kung yun man yun, at kung yun man yung talagang ginagawa ko.

Sa kasulukuyang estado ko ngayon, masasabi kong mas nagkaroon ako ng oras sa acads ko at sa sarili ko. Pinag-iisipan ko tuloy kung ipagpapatuloy ko ba tong estadong ito. Sa totoo lang, sa tingin mas gumaan yung pakiramdam ko, kesa dati na maaaring kasama nga ako sa spot light pero hindi naman ako masaya, or kung masaya man, natatabunan naman ng pagkainis at pagkairita kaagad. Mas nakita ko rin na may iba pang buhay maliban sa spot light na yun.

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Lagi kong sinasabi na hindi ako masyadong palatanim ng galit. Pero sa nagdaang mga linggo, mukhang napatunayan kong hindi totoo yun. Well, hindi naman talaga siya galit. Siguro lighter version, let’s say pagkairita.
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People, particularly friends, that I did not see for almost two weeks said that I lost weight, which is true. Before getting admitted to San Lazaro Hospital, they took my weight and in my surprise, I only weigh 49 Kgs. I’m expecting it to be around 55 Kgs. Maybe the loss of appetite when I had fever for five days took effect.

Oh well, speaking of that fever, I really thought that it’s just a normal flu fever. I never thought that it will be dengue. The last time I had a fever for around a week is when I were a freshman, and the UP infirmary also took some blood samples but it’s negative for dengue.

Actually, I didn’t have any plans to go to the infirmary since my fever already subsided that day, which is friday. I had the fever since monday that week. But due to an exam on that weekend, I decided to go to the University Health Center to secure a Medical Certificate for my excuse letter, since I can’t study well. My roommate, Louis, and I went there and from the moment I said that I’ve been sick for almost a week, the people there (the nurse and the doctor) told me to have my blood checked at the New Era University Hospital (?) since it may be dengue. We traveled to the said hospital, had my blood drawn, and waited for the results.
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If you haven’t noticed, I love to post lyrics of songs that I like, including its music video, a cover of a YouTube artist, or sometimes, my own cover (which sucks! XD).

Some could have guessed that I made those not-so-good covers for a special someone and I can’t deny that fact. Yes, I did it for a special someone.

The past few weeks are really tough for me, not to mention the “haggard-ity” or “haggard-ness” of my commitments to my organizations and to my work. It’s been tough for me to make some decisions and actions, and to really stand with that. I can say that I’ve learned from my past mistakes. But I think it’s much tougher now.

Anyway, I really would like to thank some of my friends since elementary for supporting though you really don’t know what’s happening. I would like to thank you, sir, for listening even I just ramble things sometimes, and thanks for all the encouragements. I really appreciate it. Lastly, I would like to thank you, ^_^, for being such a cheerful person, for encouraging me to do things, for giving advices, for everything. ^_^